Meeting People Where They Are

I think that people need to demonstrate more respect for each other. I hear people say that teenagers have no respect- but sometimes I think the adults around them aren't setting such a great example either! That is who they learn from after all.
There are so many ways to be respectful of others. One way is to actually "listen" to a person when they are talking to you. It sounds like common sense, but I've noticed it's not actually so common :)
 I have a little technique  I use that really helps me listen respectfully.  I call it "Meeting People Where They Are." I've never really described it before- it's more like an activity. But I want to try now, because I think it's a nice way of treating people with respect and I'd like to share it...........
When I am interacting with another person (at work, or socially) and I find myself thinking how different their life is to my own, rather than thinking we have nothing in common, or just talking about myself,  I encourage them to talk about themselves and I really listen.
Some people don't need much encouragement- just for me to give them the "space" to talk (by not talking too much about my own "stuff"). I encourage other people by asking general (non personal) questions about their life, the surroundings/circumstances that brought us together at that moment, or their family, their work, maybe hobbies ..... Then I pay attention to what they are saying- really be in the moment with them. I stay in the moment with them by picturing what they are saying, in my mind, and occassionally asking a "clarifying" question so they know I am "following" what they are saying.  If people don't wish to continue to talk, I respect that and leave them alone- at work I'll then focus on their treatment. In a social setting I will move on and talk to someone else. I think either way I am treating them respectfully by being attentive to their cues. A person just might not want to talk to me (their reason is their own business) and I respect that.  If they do choose to interact, I keep paying attention and then, at some point, ideas or experiences we have in common (even within our differences) will arise and then I might  add a little about my experience with the "things we have in common."..........maybe they mention a place I have also visited, or an experience I have also had.........but finding a little bit of something in common, amongst different ways of living. If they then begin to give me "space" I talk more about my experience, if not I just continue to be in the moment and listen. I just "meet them where they are." If they give me "space" I respond, if they don't I just stay in the moment with them. I have learned so much by what feels like "walking along with people" in this way- rather than what may have initially been a conversation I would avoid, because they live their life very differently to myself, and one might assume we'd have nothing in common.
I'm just thinking right now, it seems like conversation becomes  a "dance" in this way......I give them space and they move into it......they give space and I move into it......
During that dance what I learn from, and about,  people enhances my life, by broadening my outlook.
So, I'm constantly reminded that there are so many diverse ways of living happily. I love people to remind me of that!

The Four Agreements

There are lots of self help books :)
I was reminded of one the other day, that I had read many years ago.
I think the book, entitled "The Four Agreements" is so special because of it's simplicity. It is based on the principles of Toltec wisdom. They were a race of people, less well known, but of similar linage as the Aztecs.
The Four Agreements refers to the (4) principles of living that can lead to peace of mind and joyful existence. I don't want to make it too complex in explaining them, and the contents of the book, so will keep it simple and just print them here for consideration......

   Agreement 1

Be impeccable with your word - Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love. 

   Agreement 2

Don’t take anything personally - Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

   Agreement 3

Don’t make assumptions - Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

   Agreement 4

Always do your best - Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

Says it all! I don't think there is anything else. A book worth owning.

Kindness to Self

The approach to Christmas is SUCH a busy time of year. Many people seem to feel there is so little time and so many things to do before "the holidays." Sometimes I wonder that people don't overextend themselves beyond what the holiday break can heal!
People trying to tidy up all the loose ends at work, around the home, and then doing the extra things like buying gifts for friends and family, sending Christmas cards,  preparing travel plans, or shopping and cooking to fill the fridge and pantry with food and drink for visitors.
In our clinic we notice that stress and anxiety levels are at a pretty high level for many clients. One common thread I notice is the high expectations many have of themselves- often people expect so much more of themselves than they ever would of others. People often feel they need to do things out of guilt or obligation. I was reminded of this the other day when a lady told me she had 78 cards to send this year and she was worried she might not get them all sent. As she talked about that, she said many of the cards were to be sent to people she had no contact with- other than the yearly card exchange- no message beyond Christmas wishes. She sounded like it was such a joyless obligation.
It brought to mind when I stopped sending cards of that nature, years ago. I reckon the people I sent those 'obligatory" cards to probably heaved a sigh of relief and crossed me off their card list.  It's a belief of mine that acting out of guilt or obligation does no one any service. Since then I've realised this need not just be about the cards, but life in general. It makes life so much more enjoyable. So I send an email, text message, or make a phone call to the people I love and want to keep in touch with, who are far away.
When I'm really busy with lots of demands on my time, I ask myself if I'm doing something because I truly want to, or out of guilt or obligation? And I mostly avoid the "guilt driven" stuff. Guilt is such a futile, damaging emotion because it can lead one to feel obliged to do things that can lead to other negative emotions like resentment and anger, towards others. Yet, I have found that course is so avoidable if I just notice what is directing me. Sometimes time is tight and I feel pressured to get lots of things done, and it's at those times that I take a moment to check on why I am doing each of them; and if I find I am acting only out of obligation/guilt I let those jobs go. If there is time after doing the things that give me joy, a sense of completion, or out of love for another, then I might get back to it- but mostly not.
I did find it was difficult at first- but then............. NOTHING HAPPENED. No one judged me- I think that was my biggest worry, and I think I was my biggest judge anyway! Have you ever noticed you are much tougher and more judgemental on yourself than you are on others. I have observed I am so much more "understanding" of the limitations of others, than my own limitations.
I know it's not just about the demands we place upon ourselves,sometimes I feel obligated when others might ask more of me than I am "sanely" able to acheive. When I'm asked, by another, to do something that that I don't have time for, and that I would only do out of guilt/obligation, I've become better at using phrases like: " I'm sorry I haven't got the time/energy to do that properly for you right now," or "I won't be able to do a good job just at the moment," or even " Let me finish this job I'm doing first, so I can do that well for you." No one gets impatient when I am being that polite( and respectful of wanting to do a good job for them). Even my children accepted these responses when they were young, and at their most demanding. And I find using those phrases it's calming for me in the midst of busy times. Often the "asker" will do the job themselves or find another person to ask, or decide it's not that important. But they won't be dissapointed in YOUR work or your speed to do the task.
Be kinder to yourself.

In the Wild...amazing nature.

I've just spent an amazing two weeks in far north Queensland.....Cape Tribulation, Atherton Tablelands, The Daintree. It's such a beautiful part of the world....rainforests, beaches, clear blue oceans, waterfalls, and amazing plants and wildlife unique to that area. In their natural habitats we were fortunate enough to see Cassowaries, Platypus, Ulysses and Cairns Birdwing butterflies, Paradise Kingfishers, and saltwater crocodiles.  Stangler figs and Kauri Pines that were hundreds of years old amazes us.
It made me so aware that no matter how "powerful" or "superior" we humans may think we are.....we can't even come close to what occurs over and over in nature. I found it very humbling.
Just for example...the iridescent blue on the wings of the Ulysses butterfly, the red and blue colouration on the head of the Cassowarry, and the glossy shiny blackness of his feathers and likewise the feathers of the satin flycatcher bird. Or the saphire blue on the back of the Paradise kingfisher, in contrast to the brilliant orange breast and claws. These colours flawlessly repeated in every generation.
We were thrilled to see some platypus, at dusk, in a little creek in Youngaburra. There were babies and adults. We were able to watch the water droplets roll off their completely wateproof fur as they dived for small crustaceans and water insects then returned to the surface for air before diving again. So perfectly adapted to their homes in the creek bank.
Then there were the crocodiles we saw sunning on the banks of the Daitree River and they just command respect (and fear!) but are so perfectly suited to their place in the environment that they are unchanged since prehistory times. Another species that you have to respect for it's ability to adapt are the mangroves in the wetlands areas...the leaves  and roots have the ability to tolerate sudden changes in salt, and oxygen in the water they grow in. We can't do that! And nothing is wasted in the wetlands, or the rainforest. Perfect recycling of everything....as one lifeform dies it becomes nutrient source for some other lifeform. The extensive above ground root systems of the Strangler Figs "house" a community of creatures that drink the water that pools and feed on the compost that builds in their enormous convoluted roots. And then feeds the tree....Genius! And then the tree, and all the others in the extensive rainforests, remove the carbon dioxide in the air and create the oxygen we breathe. No waste. My daughter refers to the Strangler Figs as the "Kings of the forest"- a well earned, though perhaps not grand enough, title I think.
And the power of the waterfalls generating electricity through hydro-electic schemes in many areas on the Tablelands. Likewise a windfarm at "Windy Hill" near Ravenshoe that converts kinetic into electrical energy and generates enough electricity for 3500 homes in the area. No mess, no mining, and both completely renewable and constantly available forms of energy! Such power.
Don't take me wrong, humans can do amazing things, but I think sometimes we forget what great examples nature provides for us- and I was really grateful to have had the chance to spend the time noticing it.

Sorry tale

Yesterday I was very mean to someone I care a lot about.
 Not making excuses, but it was one of those times when I had chosen to attempt to do too many things at once, and nothing was being done properly. When I asked him for help in explaining something technical, he explained it in a way that wasn't immediately helpful to me.....and I had, what can only be described as, a tantrum! I stomped my feet and snarled that he was no help at all. He had the common sense to angrily tell me not to get angry at him.  So then I "huffed" out of the room. Yes, very mature, and evolved (not).
 For a while I managed to convince myself that I had every right to continue to feel angry.
I noticed the next thing I felt was doubt....then remorse.......then embarrassment at my behaviour. At that point I began to wonder how long he would stay angry at me. I remembered an elderly client of mine telling me that she hadn't spoken to her two brothers for many, many years and that she was not able to recall what they had originally argued about! She just knew there was this huge wall of anger that none of them could ever seem to climb over. Now that she was in his later years she was regretful but felt too much time had elapsed for effort to be made..........Amazing the thoughts that come into your head at just the right times. Higher self will always provide :)
So I ventured back into his presence and "threw myself at his mercy" by simply apologising.
"I am so sorry I was so mean," I said, very quietly.
He replied," Why were you angry with me, I was trying to help you?"
I resisted the sudden urge I felt to justify my anger, and totally swallowed my pride by saying, "I have no idea, anger just overwhelmed me and it was wrong to take it out on you. Please forgive me." I smiled...then he smiled.....because it is hard to stay angry at someone who apologises and totally agrees with you that they are at fault!
Every "angry circumstance" isn't that simple of course, but I do think it's worth having a good think about how much fault you may need to assume........then offering apology for it. It's not easy, pride often will get in the way of it being easy, but it may prevent a lifetime of regret. And by setting the example, being the first to offer an apology, you're literally halfway there.

Changing Brains

In the last few years I've increasingly enjoyed doing and learning and being exposed to new life experiences. I've undertaken new studies, become more community involved, increased my fitness level, taken up hiking and the challenges that carrying everything you need to hike and camp overnights in wilderness areas requires, facilitated new workshops, written a book, begun to "blog"( and to learn all the computer formatting that goes with that), learnt to Latin dance, taken regular holidays to new destinations........
Some things are complete and some I continue regularly.
Lots of times I was a bit out of my comfort zone-  and certainly my knowledge and ability zone ! But I found that the more I did things that  may have initially caused me to think, "I'd love to do that but I couldn't manage that," the more joy I got from finding a way I could do them. And finding that seemed to shift me into thinking, "I'd love to do that, so how can I work that into my life?"  When you have a family and a business to take care of it's pretty common to think things beyond that are unachievable, but I'm so fortunate to have learnt otherwise. Sometimes it took saving money, sometimes rearranging my time, sometimes I had to wait for a better time to begin. I know that it has been great for me and as a result I think it made me a better parent (to set that example of balance and achievement and all is possible to my children), a better partner, friend, therapist, manager, and I'm happier with myself. So that further reinforces, for me, how right it is to learn new skills.
And this week I began to read an amazing book "The Brain that Changes Itself", by Norman Doidge MD, and began to realise another reason why having new challenges and experiences is so good for me.
In his book he outlines (in lay terms) the fairly new science of Neuroplasticity- the ability our brains have to grow and repair and develop new brain (neural) pathways as we age. "Neuro" means brain, and "Plasticity" refers to the change (in the brain) as these new pathways develop. He speaks with Neurologists, behaviourists, scientists and outlines their findings and current amazing applications of this work. The premise behind Neuroplasticity( that resonated with me) is that as we age areas of the brain do cease to function well or at all (he makes references to Alzheimer's disease, dementia, stroke and other brain injury, Parkinson's disease.....) but that with the stimulation of learning new skills, areas adjacent to the poorly functioning areas in the brain do develop, grow and take over!  And the problem is no more! Accurately he, and the experts he interviews, points out that the learning of new experiences is commonplace in the pre-middle-age years- as babies and children we are learning constantly about everything in our world, as teenagers our worlds change and more experiences are learnt, in early adult life we might attend University, become employed and again learn many new ideas, then we "marry", have children, learn how to live independently and learn how to live with and care for others. But often at middle age we are more comfortable in career, home, relationships and probably a little tired, and we come to a period of rest with regard to learning new things. So our brain ceases to grow and develop new neural pathways. And this happens to even very clever people like Drs and Lawyers etc because it is the learning of new concepts that create plasticity, not working with the same ones.
Based on this new work there are centres in the US ( and online- www.positscience) where teams of Drs and scientists offer learning programs specific to help everything from forgetfulness, to recovery from stroke, to Alzheimer's disease, and Parkinson's disease.
Of course it also has amazing applications for children with learning disabilities and autism, and the centre is having wonderful outcomes with these problems. The book outlines lots of case studies, success stories and the underlying message is to challenge your brain on a regular basis. That means daily for an hour or so I believe.
So I now have even more reason to continue to explore new ideas and learn new skills. "Use it or lose it" applies to the mind as well as the body.

My Life Story.......

During the week I was asked to talk to a group of professionals, and tell them "My Life Story" and a little about "who I am." I have recently joined a local Rotary group and this is a regular task asked of new members.
I have experience speaking to groups when I facillitate work/life balance workshops, over a day or even a weekend, so was surprised  how nervous I was with this task when the day arrived! I was only required to talk for 15 minutes! I think my nervousness was because talking at length about yourself  is something so uncommon for most people to do these days. Others I spoke to said they had felt just as nervous as I did and, like me, had made notes to refer to/ stay on track/speak for the required time.
Of course I "survived" and was made to feel very comfortable as I rattled on....
Afterwards I was talking with others in the group and the point was made that each of us felt quite grateful to have had this opportunity, at some time or other, because it gave a chance to formally think about "who you are." For that reason I can really recommend taking the time to make a few notes, and jot down your life story, so far. I know that will sound like such a waste of time to many people but it is so worthwhile.
We spend so much time looking outward and away from ourselves......often more able to speak about existence outside ourselves, than our own.
And when you're able to make time to think about "who you are", include topics like:
where you were born, and grew up.....
and your "early days"....... but also things like,
 what you currently feel passionate about....
consider what you feel your strengths of character are......
 and simple things like your favourite food..... colour... music... movie.....
what hobbies you enjoy...
 experiences that have left a big impression on you.....
your hopes/dreams for the future......
 what you love about your life right now.......
something that may surprise others about you.......
Then the next time someone says: "So tell me about yourself ?"  you will have a really interesting answer.
And you will have a sense of what events/circumstances led you to where you are in your life right now.